Belonging to The Approval Trap
Unmasking Belonging, What Your Life Is Calling & Stop Living based on People's Perceptions
How many times has someone told you what you are capable of or how you should live your life?
For me, thousands. I think all of us at some point in our lives experience people, who tell us how we should live in order to be successful, accepted, and belong. But, when we listen to society, loved ones, mentors, YouTube influencers, we begin to question our own reality.
It's incredibly hard not to take what someone says personally.
I love the book, “The Four Agreements” where the author prescribes four principles in creating more free thinking. One of them, “Don’t take things personally”. However, self help books have their place, and that is way easier said than done. When someone says something about us…
We always ask the question, why?
Why would someone (maybe someone we love) tell us that we can’t do something or what we should be doing with our lives? It’s easy to get in your head: “They must see something I’m missing”, “I’ve had those doubts too”, “I’m too old”, “I should be at this point in my life” and so on. But, there’s a problem:
That statement belongs to that person, not you.
They are not living your life, you are. Even if it comes from someone you love, people project. I don’t think until recently as a 32-year-old woman I realized what belongs to me versus someone else. This concept hit harder recently, especially with all the downtime I've had recovering from knee surgery. It sometimes takes a life pause to give yourself a mirror and ask, who I am and what is my purpose?
I get to decide how I come out of this knee surgery and what I do with this time.
That’s called choice and we all get to make choices in every day. I think sometimes we under rate the power of choice. We get into routines with our jobs, surround ourselves with certain people, get older. All of a sudden years go by and we say, “welp, this is my life”.
But, is it?
The world gets loud and busy around us that we begin to feel complacent and accept the reality in front of us. Maybe you chose it, maybe you didn’t. Either way, it can be incredibly challenging to disrupt a cycle when you are comfortable, safe, and accepted.
So, why disrupt it?
The problem is that if we're not truly living as ourselves we've implicitly made a contract with those around us and with every aspect of our lives that doesn’t reflect what’s in our heart. That subconscious contract says, "If I perform this way, if I do these things, I belong”. But, deep down something doesn’t feel right.
It is important we evaluate the subconscious contracts we’ve created in order to feel true belonging.
Either with yourself, the people around you and your life. I’ve been doing this work personally for years and it is still hard to pin point some of these subconscious “contracts” I’ve made. Those contracts for me can look like people pleasing, prioritizing work above my health, and putting myself at risk in order to keep up with an outdoor community.
We do insane things to feel a sense of belonging.
“Belonging” is what is biologically wired in all of us and it can feel like quicksand to break out of something that is comfortable and gives us that false sense: relationships, jobs, family cycles, etc. Sometimes it can take some thing like an injury, illness or a major life set back to take us to ground 0 to realize something amazing:
We have choice.
No one, nothing can take away your power of choice.
As children, our choices were limited; we were given principles and beliefs shaped by our parents / other adults. But as we grow older, we begin to learn how we can make our own choices. Even though we all have the power of choice, not everyone starts on an equal playing field.
Not everyone has the safety as a child to explore and learn who they are, or who they want to become.
I have extensive experience with this, not just in my personal life, but through my work with others. For example, as a volunteer Life Coach in prisons, many people I've worked with grew up in homes where they couldn't choose their circumstances. This gets carried into adulthood, impacting their entire lives until they find limited windows of opportunity to heal.
The human experience is incredibly complex. Yet, we shame people and project our own shame on them.
Just because you're an adult, it doesn't mean you have it all figured out, are perfect, or have stopped growing and learning who you are. There's a difference between wisdom and age. As kids, we all imagine adults know everything, but we all know that is far from true. Reaching a certain age doesn't mean you should have everything figured out, are completely healed, or feel a deep sense of belonging.
There needs to be more authenticity that life is a continual journey.
People are only human and the human experience is meant to be full of mistakes, trying new things and doing our best. That is living. Instead, we focus on facades on Instagram, tell people we are “great” or my yearly dread, the Christmas cards of perfect families in their white t-shirts with their golden retriever (adorable, but it’s literally the worst).
That’s not real life and who is anyone to tell you how to live?
A few years ago while living in Truckee, California, I was at dinner with family friends. I vividly remember a conversation with their twenty-one-year-old son, who was studying accounting at Michigan.
Me: Do you know what you want to do after college?
Him: I want to go into a banking job in New York. I know I will be miserable until I’m 30, but I will be successful by then.
I almost spit out my pasta.
I was spinning out internally, thinking, “how could you make that choice?”. I remember glancing over at his mom, who was proudly smiling and had a visible satisfaction of compliance: “Good boy”.
They are nowhere near bad people or parents.
People, families, etc. operate within what they know, projecting learned beliefs as a way to belong in the world. It’s common, but it always leads me to wonder: how would that conversation be different if the son had the ability to question other choices?
We all have choices, but for some of us, breaking from the norm carries huge risk. For example, the son seemed to be choosing this path in order to belong to his family. If he decided against that career, he risked losing their acceptance and potentially their relationship.
I know how hard this is because I was him.
I spent most of my teenage years and twenties living life waiting for enough achievement, acceptance, and money to feel I deserved to “live”. That is what I was taught. But, I realized through a lot of different experiences this in my 30’s:
Time is your most expensive commodity.
It isn’t your house, your job, or your college degree, it’s time. You can never get time back-you can’t rewind, be a certain age, or live a moment the same again. We all have to do things that we don’t want to do, but the point I am making is at what cost?
At what cost is how I am living worth it?
I never want anyone to live their life on autopilot or feel that they do not have the power of choice. Because that was me and it was costly for years. I don't care if you're 80 or 18—every single person deserves to choose their life and feel a sense of true belonging.
It's never too late to do the things you love or continue figuring out who you are.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is projecting their own fears and are afraid of you breaking their norm. You're sparking a red alert in them, making them question their own reality: "Alert, alert, why am I on this earth?"
You can choose to listen to what people think, and you can also choose how to live.
Here are some questions to help disrupt, pause, and perhaps inspire a new stepping stone in your life. Take some time to journal, share in the comments, pray, or simply feel what your mind is communicating with you.
Questions for You
What is my life purpose or life mission?
What are things I want to explore and do?
What is holding me back in life? Why?
What do I want to start doing? What do I want to stop doing?
What is one small step or change I can make to work towards my goal or dreams? What is a big step? How do I get there?
I felt freedom in writing this article and I woke up today wanting to spark a different type of inspiration. The Belonging Project is not just a travel blog, it’s a reality check. We're all on a journey, seeking deeper connection and to feel the power to wake up every day and defy the “I can’t or shouldn’t do this”-whether it comes from others or ourselves.
We all need inspiration and inspiration is meant to be shared.
Personally, I am thankful for the “can’t” or “shouldn’t” people. I’ve done a lot of cool s*** because of them. And, you can too.
Songs:
I love everything about this, Jenny!! They say I’m a rebel or misfit, and try their best to brainwash me to a conventional life!! (At times, i feel at the too of falling to it, too!) I might not have been their perspective of successful, but my personal definition of exactly their opposites of thoughts! “I am thankful for the ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’ people. I’ve done a lot of cool stuff because of them” hits home for me! <3
I absolutely love this. I’ve spent the last few years working through these reflection questions and asking myself what do I really want? My favorite word right now is agency. I have agency in how I face challenges, how I respond to the world around me, my mindset and my actions. Thank you for writing this piece!