Belonging to the Palisades and the LA Fires
Sharing about loss, grief and our community in Los Angeles
We were eating lunch, taking in the festive buzz of the holidays. My brother, his wife, and I sat together, enjoying our meal and each other's company. It was a quintessential Palisades day: perfect blue skies, vibrant green grass, and warm weather, a classic SoCal Christmas. Families bustled around the village, everyone in bliss from the holidays.
Little did I know that our city would burn down two weeks later.
I replay this moment like a movie in my head. Along with a lifetime of memories in the Palisades: celebrating my brother's wedding last year, my childhood years attending school, visiting friends' houses, sneaking behind the bushes at the tennis courts for my first kiss, and hiking every week learning every off-the-beaten path trail in the Highlands. We grow, moments turn into memories, that is life.
But, these moments can not be recreated because an entire city is gone.
I took my last day in the Palisades for granted. I kept asking myself, "what would I do differently if I knew it was my last moment with someone or somewhere?". It's an impossible question, but so many of us in LA are feeling blindsided. We're dealing with loss and grief, battling continued fires and trying to figure out what's next.
The Palisades was a special place.
It was a little oasis in LA and one of the most beautiful parts of the city. Beyond being a beautiful place, it was a true community of tight-knit families and loving people. People looked out for each other and there was a strong sense of belonging. It was a place that felt like home.
When I started to receive texts from friends about the fire in the Palisades, I was in disbelief. I was traveling at the time and I thought, "The Palisades?". The area is surrounded by mountains where brush fires are common, but I didn't think it was possible for fire to reach the city. A lot of people felt the same.
Part of me just took a deep breath in acceptance because news of fire isn't a uncommon experience. Going to school in Palisades and Malibu, we had fire days instead of snow days. It’s a part of living in California, where almost every year we all have to ask ourselves, "will I lose everything?".
I turned on the TV and the first image was of my doctor’s office with flames.
The building where I was supposed to be for an appointment in two days was burning. I was sick to my stomach with zero comprehension. The doctor's office is close to the ocean in a densely packed area. I kept thinking, “how could the flames have reached there?”. There are miles of homes and buildings between the ocean and the mountains.
It was the moment I realized this fire was not like any fire we have experienced before.
I kept saying to myself, "they will never let the fire come towards the Palisades". That's what a lot of us believed and what we wanted to believe. We all wanted to believe that this fire would be put out and everyone would be able to return home.
But, things went from bad to worst case scenario.
I was glued to the TV for days watching our city burn.
Some of the most surreal moments were seeing places I've known my whole life, places where I was just going about a normal SoCal day a few weeks ago being reduced to ashes. It was like watching an apocalypse movie in real-time.
News reporters would stand helplessly on a street with no firefighters in sight and I would watch one house burn, then the next, and the next. It was like experiencing heart break in slow motion where seconds felt like minutes.
The size of the fire kept growing becoming more unfathomable.
From apartment complexes to schools to some our favorite havens of restaurants, stores, the fire did not spare anything or anyone. There were moments when firefighters would suddenly appear on live TV and I would feel a sense of hope. But, when they would try to put out a fire on a home the 70+ mph gusts would blow the water sideways.
It was a true moment of helplessness for the community and First Responders.
Each day I was met with an influx of text messages and news. It was overwhelming. We had no idea where the fire lines began and ended, who was being evacuated next. It was impossible to comprehend the true gravity of what was happening in real time.
Friends and loved ones were experiencing devastating loss.
Every update brought a fresh wave of grief and a feeling of helplessness. And the list kept growing.
At this point, we were prepared for anything.
My parents in Santa Monica were placed in mandatory evacuation. A small fire sparked a few blocks away from embers blowing from the Palisades. Luckily, it was put out quickly, but hundreds of people were evacuated in anticipation for the fire to spread everywhere.
Our friends from the Palisades had been staying at my parents' as a refuge from their own evacuation. As soon as they felt some relief, they were uprooted again where everyone was caught in the constant battle of trying to find a "safe place” in LA.
My family loaded their belongings, completely unsure of what would happen next and headed to my apartment in Venice Beach. I began to grapple with what majority of people were already dealing with: Would we lose our home? Having lived in Santa Monica for 30+ years, we had never been put on mandatory evacuation or experienced fire this close. If our home survived, what would we do next time? What the hell would I grab if I had a chance? There were a million emotions. And, then more fires came.
It felt like LA was under attack.
I remember the first images of the Eaton fire, and then Kenneth. One of my best friends reached out to me. Someone had set multiple fires at a beach I grew up going to in Malibu, Leo Carrillo. Why? How? Who would be able to do something like this?
Arson, people posing as firefighters, looting, the drone hitting the water tanker plane, a man arrested biking around with a blowtorch, the house in the Hollywood Hills collapsing on live TV. It was a never ending list of nightmares.
Days felt like weeks.
Every day, something new was happening. It felt inescapable to the point where I had to turn off the TV and my phone. There was good news when the mandatory evacuation was lifted for Santa Monica. I felt incredibly blessed and relieved for my family. But, as the fire began to calm and slow down, the grief hit me like a ton of bricks.
Going up to the Palisades for the first time. I am having a hard time writing this. I will try.
Driving on Ocean Avenue, you feel a normal LA day. The sun is out, people are bustling around the streets, the city feels alive, but there's an underlying sense of "something has happened here." And then you see it: military barricades on the Pacific Coast Highway and the National Guard blocking off main roads.
Passing through the National Guard checkpoint, I sat on the passenger side gripping my seat feeling like I was going to throw up. I could almost feel each second ticking by in my body, unsure if I was making the right choice (if I was ready to see the Palisades in person).
You'll never be ready to face something like this.
At first, as you drive through the streets, it's like nothing ever happened. There are no signs of fire. For a minute, I felt this bliss and euphoria, “it's ok, nothing happened, it's not as bad as the news painted it”.
And then, it smacks you.
Just like in a movie set, the street changed abruptly from the “Palisades” to something unrecognizable.
A literal line separated green grass from black. A lot of cars were left behind, melted in driveways or in the street. You could sense people were not prepared for what was to come (most of our friends only had 15 minutes to evacuate). Nothing was spared in many areas. I had to pull up Google Maps to figure out where I was because all I could see was chimney after chimney after chimney. I could see the tennis courts from five blocks away, which always felt super far from the neighborhood because homes and trees had always blocked the view.
We pulled up to my elementary school, and I saw the garage. A part of me almost jumped up out of my seat, "it's ok!”. But, then you pull around, and the school is gone. All three schools packed into that area are mostly gone.
There was a point when we were driving and I said, “I get it”. We turned back.
This is what makes this devastation unique and horrifying.
It's not just homes (which is already horrific), it's a complete loss. On a normal day, people were taking their kids to school, cooking lunch at home, just doing life, and unexpectedly lost everything.
To size up this loss for people who are not familiar with the Palisades, Buzzfeed compared the devastation to, "if you were to run the New York City Marathon, which is 26.2 miles, you would still have five more miles to go”.
31 miles of the Palisades Fire devastation.
My experience is a microscopic share from an ocean of people who are experiencing unfathomable loss across Palisades, Malibu and Altadena. The small moments hit me most. For example, when my brother called me to tell me he was out buying clothes, I broke down. All of these things we take for granted in every day are put into perspective.
So much as happened in a short amount of time.
There’s a lot to process and we still continue to be surrounded by fires where there hasn’t been a break for weeks. There was the Franklin Fire by Pepperdine, the Palisades Fire, the Eaton Fire, the Kenneth Fire. Over the weekend, I was in downtown LA at my friend's apartment complex when the fire alarms started blaring, a building caught fire next to us. Two days later, on my first day back at my corporate office, the Hughes fire broke out turning the sky black on my drive home.
So many of us right now are asking ourselves, what do I do?
I have no idea. I think about the people who have lost everything: where do you belong when you belong to nothing? Things are happening every day. Time feels both slow and fast simultaneously. It's been a completely abrupt change to every day life.
Every single person in LA has experienced something in the last two to three weeks. If you lost your home, what do you do when there are no places to stay, rent or a home to come back to? What happens when your friends, neighbors and community move? We have friends and extended family all over the country right now unsure what is left for them in LA.
LA is not just a sprawling city with money, fame and superficiality.
Yes, it’s 6M people, but it's also small, intimate and a home to some of the most diverse, ambitious and unique people in the world. Our communities and our people, they are everything. The traffic is horrible (oh my God, it’s the absolute worst) that you have to make your district your home. You become deeply intertwined with people in your area and you find havens (book stores, restaurants, shops, local spots) that become a part of your every day.
During all of the devastation, I feel connected to the city I grew up in.
We are all processing loss while fires still rage on top of figuring out what the future looks like for so many of our friends, extended family and community. But, I am also blown away by how incredible humanity can show up in a time of need.
What devastation is teaching me, right now:
I'm inspired by my brother: He has experienced a massive amount of loss in the last few weeks, but shows up strong, positive and calm during the storm. Today, sitting with him, we talked about the gratitude for his wedding and how lucky we were to share the Palisades with friends and family before this loss. He said, “I’m so glad they got to see how beautiful it was”. My brother and his wife are my heroes.
Life is fragile, don’t take things for granted: Every moment I spent in the Palisades is playing like a movie in my head. I like to think I practice this in every day, but I can do more of it. Take a deep breath in next time you are having a moment you wish you could relive or are with someone you love and appreciate. Tell them how much you love them (no matter what is happening). There are no guarantees in life.
There is strength in numbers: The amount of volunteering and seeing people coming together is incredible. I am amazed at how much love and support is out there during a catastrophe. Humanity can be amazing and we need to highlight more of that over “what is wrong with the world”.
Strong people: The Palisades and Altadena are incredibly strong communities filled with people who love their neighbors, their families and their city. There are amazing people overcoming the unimaginable right now. They deserve 100 gold stars and are an inspiration.
Connection to the fires: All emotions are welcome no matter who you are or where you are. I keep hearing people talk about whether they are connected to Los Angeles, to the Palisades, Altadena, etc. It's all of us trying to justify sadness or a connection to the situation. If you live in Los Angeles, everyone should be invited to feel something. We just went through a natural disaster and continue to experience more fires. If you are not living in LA, I hope you can feel some sort of the depth for what is happening.
I love my family, my friends, and LA loves me: I feel this in my heart. I always spout how much I am not a city slicker and how I can't wait to leave this place, but I know this place is special. It might not be my forever home, but I am grateful for growing up here and I feel beyond blessed for the community I have. I am surrounded by so much love here and I am humbled.
The future is unknown, step by step: There are so many people trying to figure out huge life decisions. Including myself, I have no idea what to do next. People are feeling angry, discouraged and “every day life” has changed. It's honestly scary and we need to all lean on one another to take it one step and at time.
We are all feeling as a city and as a country the loss.
Every day feels strange and off right now. We are attempting normalcy while the city next to us is decimated, barricades remain on Pacific Coast Highway and we continue to battle fires.
We are also unsure of toxicity. Is our ocean safe? Is air safe? Is drinking water safe?
Nature is the biggest part of my life and LA has incredible nature. What now? I think about all of my favorite hiking trails being burned. My brother is no longer surfing. Friends are not taking walks outside. My windows to my apartment are closed. My friends in Malibu don’t have power 50% of the time (I am always worried trying to reach them). There’s a lot and a lot of what has happened has not set in for us. We are on a long road of recovery and there is so much unknown for the future.
But, I do believe the people of the Palisades, Malibu and Altadena are resilient, our friends and are family are incredible and strong, and through a lot of terror there is so much beautiful love that I believe the city will make it through together.
Thank you to the first responders and everyone who put their lives on the line for us. My heart goes out to so many people right now. To the families, people, and children who have lost their schools, homes, art centers, and places they love. To the people whose homes are standing, but their neighbors burned down, and their own homes are damaged, with so many question marks about what is next. To everyone who is feeling what has happened to Los Angeles.
In a time of overwhelming need in the world, the least we can all do is commit to showing a little love and kindness to one another each day.
Resources, Getting Involved
There are a lot of organizations such as Red Cross, LA Food Bank, Meals on Wheels, etc. who are supporting efforts. Here are a few below:
Check in: If you know someone in the city of Los Angeles or the Southern California region, please check in on them. Send a text, email, message, etc. I've had people reach out from over 10 years ago and even ex-boyfriends checking in during this time. It reminds me that no matter what happens in life, we are all humans who have love for one another. I truly believe we are all connected in this world.
FireAid LA: Many people have left their homes without belongings and are in need of everyday practical items. There are support drives in the area.
Supporting LA Firefighters: Donations go to supporting First Responders and their families.
Culturecatrescue.org: This organization is supporting and rescuing animals affected by the fires.
My friend created this Etsy shop: All proceeds go to supporting the victims and you can wear incredible swag (she is so talented)
My friends in Malibu created this video: It's incredibly moving and highlights some of the struggles of living in a place that is continually facing fire devastation.
Songs:
I couldn’t find the right songs for this article, but you can find The Belonging Project Playlist on Spotify
Very moving piece! I know it was hard to share. I’m grateful you did.